I feel a newsletter coming on…
In response to absolutely no requests at all, I have been persuaded to write a further series of newsletters. It will not surprise those of you that have subscribed to these newsletters before that they, once again, coincide with a bit of a trip away.
The more astute of my readers may have guessed by the title of this letter that I am going to Moscow. Do I hear “Good Timing” from the back – stay away from the theatre. Well all I can say – Is anywhere safe these days?
The trip
I leave these shores on Wednesday January 8th 2003 for Singapore. Qantas are providing an aeroplane for me to use. I plan to spend a day there and stay, as usual, in Little India. I have found a smartish hotel via the Internet, it is called The Albert Court. I always enjoy a look at Sim Lim Square, a multi storey shopping mall dedicated to computer products.
The next leg of the trip (all 13hrs 45 mins ) is via Bangkok to Moscow by courtesy of Aeroflot. The plane is an Ilyushin IL-96-300 – shown on the left. It is described as one of the modern fleet of planes owned by Aeroflot. I think this means that it is fitted with seat belts. I am travelling “Thrift” class. I really must ask Ann (Flight Centre 61-2-9387 4062) if I should take my own packed lunch. Maybe there is a a guard at the end of the plane with a Samovar dispensing tea like they do on the Trans-Siberian express.
January is the ideal time to visit Moscow. The temperature reaches -7 oC during the day and down to -20 oC at night. Finally I get to wear my woolly combinations. I am spending 6 days in Moscow in a “Homestay” – (Bed and Breakfast). I won’t know exactly where until I arrive but I have requested somewhere close to the city centre. I plan to see the sights – Red Square and the Kremlin. The metro stations are a tour in themselves as well. There are more chandeliers in the Moscow metro than in Buckingham palace.
Because of the weather in Moscow, I am trying to buy a pair of waterproof walking boots. I went to three shops in the city and they all wanted me to buy a “second mortgage” priced pair. I found just the ones at the right price but not in my size. I phoned their other shop in Chatswood – 45 mins drive from Bondi. They promised to order in a pair in my size. I went to collect them and they were a size too small. I did not give up and I went back again at the end of the week and was successful. I guess there is not much call for snow boots in Sydney in the middle of an Australian summer.
I am trying to learn the odd word to in Russian so I have bought a phrase book. I have learnt:-
adin – one
dva – two
tri – three
Stolichnaya (The Vodka) means “From the Capital city”
Klassnaya Popka! – Nice Bum!
Next I venture to England and help my Mum celebrate her 94th birthday. I will spend a day or two in London – I always love to look at the shops (Harrods’s especially) and the Museums never fail to interest me. I always enjoy the company of my long suffering friend Jeremy Hopkins and his family. They ventured out here to Bondi in August and they assure me they are slowly returning to normal. The tablets are beginning to kick in.
So that is about it in a nutshell (or a web page).
A thought
Did you know that they bird we traditionally eat at Christmas was first brought from Numidia into Turkey, and thence to Europe, whereupon it took on the name Turkey. I can’t help thinking that we are lucky that the birds did not take on the name of the source rather than the destination otherwise we would be ordering a 6 kilo Numidia for Christmas. Similarly it would be a bit strange offering a leg of Scotland or buying ready stuffed Wales.
Today’s Saying
Слово не воробей – вылетит не поймаешь. A word is not like sparrow when it flies out you can not catch it. (If you said a word you can not prevent the consequences of it).
The first joke
The following are genuine Russian jokes from a Russian joke page. You will see the humour is of a particular type, I have left the translation as it appeared on the web page.
Two Russian border guards, Ivan and Vladimir, on a cold winter morning. Looking across the border, Ivan is smiling to himself, then he notices that Vladimir is also smiling.
Ivan [suspiciously]: “What were you thinking about?”
Vladimir: “Same thing you were thinking about, comrade.”
Ivan: “Then it is my duty to arrest you.”
The second joke
A Russian submarine meets an American one in the ocean. They rise to the surface and the American captain and some officers come to visit the Russian submarine. They enter it, go through looking around and finally enter the nuclear missile control room where there is a siren sounding and a red light flashing on the console. The Russian captain suddenly loses his temper and starts yelling at his crew:
“Who has been resting their boots on the console”?!
The sailors look guilty and stare at the floor.
The Americans somewhat embarrassed try to joke and say:
“In America we don’t have such ugly boots”.
The captain replies “That’s true – Unfortunately there is no America any more, now who’s been resting their boots on that console?!!
As a system of public transportation and a work of urban infrastructure, the Moscow Metro is an unparalleled example of architecture and design. The most grandiose architectural phenomenon of the Stalinist era, the vast system maps not only the huge ambitions of the Soviet State under Stalin, but records in amazing detail the ideological and artistic shifts that characterize the period. The historical photographs and contemporary documentation on this website illustrate not only the evolution of a rapid mass transit, but also the remarkable attention paid to aesthetic media — architecture, sculpture, painting and decorative arts — in a monumental public works project.
The Moscow Metro provided a stage on which life in the Soviet Union was vividly played out, from the vast forces marshalled for its construction to the shelter it provided for Muscovites during World War II. By the end of the Stalinist era, it had evolved into a strange hybrid of palace, basilica and fortress.
The political and ideological course of the Soviet Union during the Stalinist period is reflected in the distinct aesthetic styles of the four principle lines and forty stations constructed under Stalin from 1932 to 1954.
The First Line, built in the early `1930’s, possesses an invigorating modernism that is a high-water mark of the Soviet avant-garde. With the Second Line, built in the late 1930’s, a program of monumental sculpture and art was introduced that signalled Stalin’s stranglehold on the ideological goals of the Soviet state. The Third Line, built during the “Great Patriotic War” from 1939 – 1944, became a symbol of Soviet tenacity and ultimately a memorial to the people’s resistance during this devastating period. The Fourth Line, completed in 1954 shortly after the death of Stalin, is perhaps the most flamboyantly ideological and represents the epitome of the leader’s vision for the Metro. With the demise of Stalin, the expression of the system reverted to its rationalist origins.
Although constructed by a tyrant for a people living in terror, this subterranean proletarian paradise offers an ironically humane vision of public social space, both beautiful and functional. Today, with construction continuing, the Moscow Metro covers over 200 kilometres of track and serves 9 million people each day.
Things to do one hour before you go to the airport.
Shower
Check your tickets and passport
Show your wife how the vacuum works
Realise you have lost your American Express card
You think I made this up don’t you? Well, I can say quite definitely that this is not so. Items 1 and 2 were achieved without undue stress. Item 3 was required as about 3 months ago we replaced our 12 year old cleaner with a Dyson. I don’t know if you are familiar with this type of cleaner but it is upright, all solid plastic and looks as if it was designed by NASA to achieve a low earth orbit.
Due to the fact that I have been working at home for the last few months and Judy has been going out to work, I had taken on this domestic chore. I therefore had to present the “Elementary Dyson vacuum cleaning (upgrade from Panasonic) – domestic – upgrade” course (DY007). It is a short course lasting a maximum of 3 hours with a 10 minute break halfway through. Judy, being the kind of girl she is, came first! We expect nothing less, I hear you murmur.
The next fun item was the realisation that some time between 16:23 on Monday and 09:17 Wednesday I had misplaced my American express card.
All the usual places were searched, washing machine, bathroom cupboard, etc. etc. Leaving it so late to find this out does mean that you have less time to panic so you have to concentrate harder on panicking and increase your stress level accordingly, to make up.
This, I did, quite successfully so that when Judy and I set off to the airport, half an hour late I was a mass of gibbering, snivelling, simpering humanity. As you know I like to be 1st or 2nd in the queue when the gates open to check in. I was 326th in line. I had convinced myself that I would miss the plane by the time we got to the check in desk only to be told that the flight was 2 hours delayed. We had instantly gone from 1 hour late to one hour early. Apart from the above nothing much has happened yet.
Airplane Jokes
This plane is so old that there is Amy Johnson’s packed lunch on the next seat.
This plane is so old, it has to be refuelled in mid air – with wood.
I have a theory
The plane eventually pushed back at 4pm – 2 and a half hours late. I noticed that the flight information said there was 751 kms to our destination. This seemed to me to be about 5,500 kms short. I queried this with a passing steward, he promised to tell the captain. well, it was a good job I said something because just as he disappeared up front , the plane stopped on the taxiway. The captain came over the PA to say that there was a technical problem and that we would have to return to the gate.
We know the real reason, don’t we dear readers. He thought he was going to Brisbane (745 kms from Sydney via the Pacific Highway) The steward told him that there were in the order of 250 people in the cabin (of this 767) that were rather hoping to go to Singapore. IO think he had to stop and ask directions.
Sad to say I have erred.
I have since has a chat to the First Officer, a fresh faced lad of 18 or 19. He said there was a malfunction which necessitated us taking off over water and not the city. (Probably and engine loose or something) This was the cause of the major delay – the stop dead in our tracks delay was due to a circuit breaker popping out. Anyway we have been going for 4 hours and we have just left Australia.
NB Judy says I drive so badly at night that the cat’s eyes squint.
Raffles hotel.
The flight arrived safely, the engine did not drop off. I am now sat in Raffles having breakfast, A Raffles coffee and a Chelsea bun. 9:18 am seems a bit early for a Singapore Sling. the hotel engenders a real feeling of a bygone age. It creates a feeling that you will bump into Somerset Maugham or Noel Coward, both regular visitors in the past. Maybe I was a Rubber Plantation manager in a past life.
I have decided that Singapore is Germany Mk2 with humidity. There are $1,000 fines for littering, strictly enforced, cyclists obey traffic lights, You are allocated so many seconds to cross the road; signs at the traffic lights count down the seconds to zero. The pavements are swept when the blossom fall from the trees.
Aside
5 Muscovites died of the cold on Tuesday night when the temp dropped to -32C
The plane to Moscow.
First, some architectural information. For my readers that do not reside in the “Lucky” country, let me explain what a Federation ceiling is. The normal ceiling sits about 7 feet from the floor. A Federation ceiling sits 11 feet from the floor. There are, of course, other differences but let us stop there for now.
The reason I touched on this is so that you could have a clear mental picture of the inside of the of this plane, the Ilyushin 96-300. It has a federation ceiling. The main cabin has 18 rows of seats in a 3+3+3 configuration. No gallie’s or toilets in the way. It is a bit like a flying church hall.
There is a First, Business and Thrifty class. Thrift is so aptly named. There is no sound system and no films. I await with interest the meals and snacks.
Well, the snack was fine a creme cheese and cabbage sandwich.
Interesting fact about flying with Aeroflot
2/3 of the exiting passengers must leave before the in transit passengers are allowed off the plane.
The English voice for the safety film sounds like Wallace from Wallace and Grommet.
Most passengers bring their own grog on board the plane. Mostly brandy
The Aligole white wine from the Ukraine that is served with dinner is really bad. It is best, therefore, drunk quickly.
When the drinks trolley comes round everyone orders two drinks at a time.
Judy would not enjoy Aeroflot as they don’t cut the stork out of their tomatoes.
Someone must have a lucrative creme cheese contract with Aeroflot – every meals has some.
A time for firsts
I have seen a 3 year old in a sled (about one foot long) instead of a pram.
I’ve had a meal in Moscow without cheese
I’ve been to Red Square.
I have seen Billy Connelly speak Russian on TV.
…. and now for the corker; The first time I have been the last person out of an airport. Let me explain,
About 20 passengers including myself, were left at the baggage carousel at Moscow airport, without luggage, when the belt stopped and all the baggage staff went off for breakfast.
We went to the Aeroflot counter to ask where our luggage was only to be told it was lost. I wouldn’t have cared but ours was the only plane to come in at that time and there were only about 260 passengers on it.
Someone had been sent to check the inside of the aeroplane to see if it had been left behind in the hold. No luggage found.
After numerous phone calls by the only staff member on duty, a young lady, she started to give out lost luggage forms. Now, I don’t say I was responsible for finding the lost luggage, but ….
The second question on the form was “Passengers address in Moscow” The Lonely Planet phrase book does not list the Russian for “No fixed abode”. A sad oversight in my view. When I took the form back to the counter and explained that:
“I won’t know where I am staying until I clear customs and I can’t clear customs until I fill in the form and I fill in the form until I clear customs and …. At this point the young lady looked a little faint and had to sit down.
I think I may have been the last straw because she said wait a moment, sunshine!
She put on her coat, badge and strode purposefully in the direction of the baggage area. Three minutes later she came back and announced that she had found the lost luggage container. The baggage handlers came back with egg on their face – in more ways than one and everyone got their cases.
I had to unpack mine to find some Pound sterling notes which I had to declare. (They could be confiscated on exit from Russia if you don’t declare then on the way in). I found the notes eventually, filled out the customs declaration form, and went to find the last customs officer on duty. After he stamped my form I followed him out of the departure area. Hence, the last one out.
Oh! No! I just remembered I forgot to turn out the lights!
Today’s Saying
Назвался груздём – полезай в кузов. If you have had call yourself milk mushroom – go into the basket. (If you proclaim something about yourself – you must justify it).
The first joke
The following are genuine Russian jokes from a Russian joke page. You will see the humour is of a particular type, I have left the translation as it appeared on the web page.
Doctor talks to his patient after operation:
– I have 2 news for you, bad and good. Where to begin?
– From the bad.
– Mistakenly I cut you off not the bad leg.
– And what is good?
– Your bad leg begins to recuperate.
The second joke
A man showed some friends his apartment. One guest asked,
-“What’s that big brass basin for?”
-“That’s the talking clock,” answered the man. He gave it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer.
-Suddenly, a voice on the other side of the wall screamed, “It’s 2 a.m. , go to sleep!”
St. Basil’s Cathedral
It was commissioned by Ivan and completed in 1561. According to legend, Ivan was so amazed at the beauty of the cathedral that he blinded the architect so he couldn’t build anything as exquisite again.
My first day in Moscow
This was a busy day.
I negotiated the Metro with breaks in the journey to find an ATM. I selected the station where I had to change metro lines. Went above ground and started to walk. I found a machine within 50 meters of the station. I now realise what a piece of good luck this was. I only saw 4 other ATM’s the rest of the day.
Bought a fur hat at the Craft market. The cold even on a warm day, -6C, was very chilly indeed. the cold wind cut straight through my jeans so it is Long John’s tomorrow.
Walked around GUM (pronounced Goom) which stands for Gosudarstvennyy Universlnyy Magazin. Before Perestroika (Restructuring) GUM was the scene of long queues for a few drab goods. Now it has the most opulent look imaginable with row upon row of designer label shops.
Found a superb Supermarket with 50 different choices of Vodka.
Bought an apple turnover which turned out to be cheese. (We have ways of making you eat cheese)
Found my way back to the flat whose address is:
Flat 25
Block 1
Year 1812 street.
It is right next to the Triumphal arch built to celebrate Napoleon’s defeat in the war of 1812.
rewired the aerial in my room to improve the TV reception and retuned the TV. Sadly have not been able to find which channel the cricket is on.
A weather report
Saturday was a sunny day with a clear blue sky. Due to the cloudless sky, the temperatures were very low -26C with a wind chill factor reducing the apparent temperature to -36C. In weather any skin exposed to the air gets very cold very quickly and is, as a consequence painful.
Your breath forms frost on the scarf covering your mouth.
Just thought I would let you know.
My lucky day
Today, Sunday has, so far, been a lucky day. It started early at 1:30am. Jet lag has a lot to answer for. The first objective, when I left the house at 10:45am (Things must be done in due time, Olga has to walk the Dog)
I still have not been introduced – I do however think he/she speaks a little English as when he/she comes into my room, if I leave the door open. I say something like “You know you are not allowed in here – please leave” The tail goes down and he/she calmy walks out. She must have a good command of English, don’t you think?
After the Dog walk and breakfast it was decided that we would postpone the Kremlin and Armoury trip as Olga had a cold and the temp is -15C.
I have decided to check out the Trans Siberian Express (TSE). Now I am at the Moscow Metro system my trip was a breeze and free – I waved my 5 journey ticket and the guard let me through. I must just digress while talking of tickets reminded me that on the trolley bus you but a magnetic stipe ticket from the driver for 10 roubles and put it in a hole punch, pull a leaver and punch 11 holes in it.
I found Yaroslavskiy station and checked the departure board. I should just mention that the journey from Moscow to the Pacific Ocean takes six-days and is 9446-km. Well, the train leaves from platform 2 at 17:16. The person who makes up the timetables must have a sense of humour to start a 6 day train ride at 16 minutes past the hour.
The next task was to get a ticket for the Moscow State circus. It turns out that today (12Jan) is the last day of performance until 13th Feb. This I worked out from the ticket touts and the signs up at the closed ticket office. I bargained for a front row seat and got it for $43 Aus down from $81. The cover price was $20. The price difference was explained as “business”. So dear readers I am sat in a coffee house at the back of a grocery store with a potatoe bun and a cup of “Premier” black coffee. I couldn’t find white in the phrase book . As powered milk is all the rage here I was not too worried. I have checked out the circus arena while the cleaners were doing their bit after the 11am show. A guard shooed me out. I must have sounded like the stereotype Japanese who bows and says “Thank you” all the time as the only Russian I can instantly command is “Spasiboe” – Thank you.
I should be honest and tell you when I get flustered I go into automatic and come out with the German equivalent “Danke”. One day I’ll meet a German speaking Russian and then I will be in all sorts of trouble.
Today’s Saying
На чужой роток не накинешь платок. It is impossible to throw a shawl over someone’s mouth. (It is impossible to make anybody be silent).
The first joke
The following are genuine Russian jokes from a Russian joke page. You will see the humour is of a particular type, I have left the translation as it appeared on the web page.
– Doctor! Which mushrooms can you eat?
-All of them. There are just some you can only eat once
and
Doctors are talking:
– You know, a patient whom I treated for an ulcer died yesterday. The autopsy showed he had cancer.
– Well, says the other, I treated a patient for jaundice for an entire month, but the autopsy revealed he was just Chinese.
The second joke
Why does Lada Samara has a heated rear window?
So that the hands don’t freeze when you push it.
What do you call a Lada with a sunroof?
A garbage can.
After the circus
The circus was very good with all the usual acts – trapeze artists and clowns etc. They also had performing horses, monkeys and elephants, not very politically correct but well drilled for all that.
Today (Monday) I went around the Kremlin and the Armoury. The word Kremlin means fortress and that just what it was built for in the 1100’s. Inside the walls there are 3 churches, government buildings and an armoury which started life as a workshop and is now houses a unique collection of robes, gold and silverware, carriages and armaments.
Little known facts regarding the Moscow Metro.
At the entrance to the platforms of the metro there are automated ticket barriers. Their natural state is open and stay that way if you put in a valid ticket which is then stamped. Ticket in – red light turns green – no problem – go through the barrier.
The exit from the station is a little more tricky. You leave through these same set of machines but as I discovered to my cost all automatic barriers are not created equal.
It must have been the end of one of my earlier journeys that I found this out. There were no other passengers about so, without much thought, I randomly went through a barrier only to receive a big surprise in the form of a private parts eye watering scrunching. Two padded arms seemed intent on squeezing the area of me that is between my waist and thigh. This is the words of Jane Austin “was not to be borne”.
I have carried some research on this topic of late but, sadly, without a satisfactory conclusion. I cannot determine which barriers are crushers and which are not.
I have developed a pretty foolproof 2 step plan. First and by far most importantly always follow behind an exiting fellow traveller to let him/her find out if the barrier is a crusher. Secondly, go through very very gingerly holding your breath. I think if I return to Moscow I will invest in one of those “private part” protectors that cricketing batsmen wear.
The second bit of information concerns escalators. In Moscow, they are long, steep and very fast. Because they are fast there is an official in a cubical at the bottom of the escalator to switch it off in the case of an accident. So far, so good. However, now in my opinion, it all falls apart. Escalator attendant is not an enviable job. Old ladies with many layers of coats sit hour after hour in the cubical. They seem to be neatly asleep most of the time. I do not have photographic evidence but take my word for it, this is so.
There are often 4 escalators that are overseen. I saw one lady stumble near the bottom but managed to get up again. If she had fallen I would estimate a pile of at least 10 bodies before the attendant managed to pull the stop leaver.
By the way there is no rush hour in Moscow, it is more like a rush ‘day’- heaps of people all the time. I must say I have never waited for a train for more than 3 minutes and sometimes they are 1 minute apart.
The number 5
I have had two experiences involving the number 5 that I would like o share with you. The first was when I wanted to buy a 5 trip metro card. The Russian for 5 is Pyat. So when I bent down to the ticket window, which was at navel level, and said “Pyat, Spasibow”. The ticket clerk , who looked a lot like my Mum, had a puzzled expression on her face. She smiled and said “Five, dear?”. I just said, “Yes, please” and gave her the money.
The next 5 “experience” was when I had to phone Olga to let her know I would be late home for dinner. I went into an office where you can pay and the staff connect you to the number. Luckily, the firs booth was numbered 5 so when the operator said “Gabble, Gabble Pyat” I guessed where to go for the call.
I know why.
At least, I think I know why we were late landing at Heathrow from Moscow.
We got to England and then we went round and round in circles. Well, if the pilot was using the map that they publish in the back of the flight magazine he would have been in trouble. It showed London where Norwich is. 114 miles north of where of should be. I think the pilot was confused and was asking for directions.
English Jokes
Went to the Doctor. Asked what’s good for wind – he said “A kite”
The same doctor pointed to a specimen bottle on a shelf and said “Do me a specimen in that”. I said “What from down here”
Banks manager asked if I had “Collateral”. I said “No it’s the way my legs are crossed”
Today’s Saying
Посади свинью за стол – она и ноги на стол. Ask a pig to sit at the dinner table it will put its legs on the table. (The ill-bread creature always would do the worst).
The first joke
The following are genuine Russian jokes from a Russian joke page. You will see the humour is of a particular type, I have left the translation as it appeared on the web page.
A Fairy Tale. . .
Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond.
The frog said to the princess, “I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me.
One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so.”
That night, while the princess dined on “Frog Legs”, she kept laughing and saying, “I don’t think so!”
The second joke
Chechen war. Sergeant and a group of soldiers near the trench.
-Ivanov!
-Yes Sir!
-Raise the left hand, stick your right hand to the body, jump in the trench!
-Yes Sir!
-Petrov!
-Yes Sir!
-Raise the right hand, pull your left hand forward, jump in the trench!
-Yes Sir!
-Sidorov!
At this time a jeep stops by, lieutenant jumps out and yells: “This is WAR, Nikolai, would you please fight, instead of playing some Tetris!!!!”
Red Square
Red (beautiful in Russian) Square is a massive open area with the Historical Museum at one end and St. Basil’s Cathedral at the other. It’s bounded on either side by the Kremlin and the Gum department store. Lenin’s tomb is along the Kremlin side as well.
Oh! To be in England …
Now that the Firemen are on strike. Just for 24 hours today. It has the effect of closing some of the tube stations. Luckily Knightsbridge was not one of those closed so my trip to Harrods was not in danger.
I love a look at all the expensive items for sale. Talking of sales, the January ditto is in full swing at present. I was very tempted to get Judy a new watch, it was half price, a bargain at $126,000. The only problem was that all the diamonds on the strap made it look a bit too gaudy. I am sure Judy would not have liked it. I ended up with a box of Camembert for my tea for $4.50. Judy says I always resort to food.
Harrords, of course
I am in the Green Man pub in the basement of Harrods with a glass of 2003 lemonade.
Yesterday I had an Indian curry lunch with some colleagues that I worked with in 1999. I have just thought, I think I have only ever had 3 Indian meals in England in the last 30 years and they were all at the same restaurant in the City (of London)
The weather is wet and chilly – balmy compared to Moscow.
I have had a great poke around the Science Museum, I saw some old ICL computers that I operated in the late 1960’s. What a young fellow I am.
Next stop is Fortnum and Mason’s, the Queen’s Grocer. If I see her in the veggie department I’ll say Hi!. I bet she only gets her Tea from there and does her big shop at Sainsbury’s because it’s cheaper and just around the corner from the palace – so close she probably pops out in her slippers.
What the papers say …
The parish council of Great Somerford in Wiltshire has been forced to close its playground swings because, according to an EU directive, they are 60 cm too high. The seat is the right height from the ground but the top of the swing is too high. They have been in use for 25 years with no accident but if there was an accident then the council would be liable. They cannot raise the $7,000 needed to replace them.
The government have spent $280,000 producing a 86 page book on how to open a plastic bag. The main conclusion was that larger plastic bags are easier to open than smaller ones.
Today’s Saying
И бородавка – телу прибавка. Even the wart adds something to the body.
The first joke
The following are genuine Russian jokes from a Russian joke page. You will see the humour is of a particular type, I have left the translation as it appeared on the web page.
A phone rings at KGB headquarters.
“Hello?”
“Hello, is this the KGB?”
“Yes. What do you want?”
“I’m calling to report my neighbour Yankel Rabinovich (All Jews in Russian jokes are Rabinovich ….. BH) as an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his fire wood.”
“This will be noted.”
The next day, the KGB goons visit Rabinovich’s house. They search the shed where the fire wood is kept, break every piece of wood there, but find no diamonds. They swear at Yankel Rabinovich and leave.
The phone then rings at Rabinovich’s house.
“Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB come?”
“Yes.”
“Did they chop up your firewood?”
“Yes, they did.”
“Okay, now it’s your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch ploughed.”
The second joke
When Stalin was in office, he once noted that there were mice in his study and complained to Kalinin about this.
His fellow-communist thought for a moment and suggested, “Why don’t you put up a sign reading “Kolkhoz” (Collective Farm)? Half the mice will die of hunger and the other half will run away.”
Russian Matrushka Dolls
The designs, size and number of nested dolls vary greatly. The quality also differs significantly from ones that a child might have painted all the way up to masterpieces.
Bye, Bye Aeroflot
I must say I was not sorry to say Good bye to Aeroflot. You may remember in Newsletter #2 I mentioned that the Ilyushin 96-300 had a “Federation” style ceiling and resembled a flying church hall. Well, I think Aeroflot need to run a few fund raising opportunities like Bring and Buy stalls etc. to raise money to fix the roof of the plane I flew in from Moscow to Bangkok and Singapore . I have never seen or heard an aeroplane ceiling rattle and shake as this one did on landing. The people sat under the over head screen projector when decidedly white – it did appear to be pretty well bolted to the roof otherwise they would have had a nasty headache when it came down.
I think Aeroflot may have done a deal with Lufthansa, They may have bought some of their cast-offs. I always pay attention to the safety video in case the exit doors have moved or something. I happened to notice that the cabin attendant’s life jacket in the film had “The property of Lufthansa” printed on it.
Here’s a tip you should make a note of. If ever you fly with Aeroflot to London (or anywhere else for that matter), you will need to reconfirm you flight. Do not bother phoning the London number as no one (real) answers it. A very jolly Cockney gets you excited with three choices but the one you want #3 is never answered. Phone when you like during the day, night, weekend. You can either phone the Sydney office or the Heathrow office. After some persuasion the staff there (Cargo handlers?) will confirm your flight.
Tip #2. If you find yourself grubby and in need of a shower at Changi airport in Singapore you can the time of you life for less than Aus $10. Hidden right at the end of the departure gates (near D40) there are showers with a clean towel, soap, a free soft drink, a swimming pool you can use or sit by. Sheer heaven after flying from Europe.
An Irish Joke
Did you hear about the two ship wreaked Irish men? When a life boat was washed up on their island they chopped it up and made a raft out of it.
An other ship wrecked joke.
A man had been ship wrecked for 15 years when a gorgeous lady came up his beach. He had not smoked for 15 years (he was thinking of giving up the very next day). She reached into the pocket of her wet suit and brought out some cigarettes and a lighter. He took them gratefully. Next she brought out a bottle of whiskey from the other pocket. He was in heaven. She then asked him very seductively, while unzipping her wet suite, “Would you like to play around?” He got very excited and said “You don’t mean to say you have a set of golf clubs in there too?”