Judy as well!
This is true. Judy is coming on the first leg – 12 days to Hawaii. We spend the first 5 days in Waikiki and then the rest of the time on Maui. As you probably know Judy’s favourite pastime is concerned with being on the surface of water and not 9 km above it.
Judy will come home from Hawaii and I will continue on to Canada, Toronto actually. I want to see Niagara Falls and some of the Lakes (Great) region.
I then fly on to London and see my Mater, my brother, young Trev and my long time buddy Jeremy and his family. After that I travel back to Quebec (the city) and then to Calgary and Banff in the Rockies.
What a lovely win
When Steven Bradbury, who avoided a last-lap pile-up to win the 1,000 metres speed skating event collected a Gold medal. Australia can count only four medals from Winter Games and Bradbury figures in two of them, having also been a member of the short track relay team that took bronze at the 1994 Lillehammer Games. Trailing in last place in the five-man final, Bradbury cruised across the line with hands raised in triumph as four other skaters lay sprawled on the ice 20 metres behind him. Ironically, Bradbury got through the quarter final when one of those who qualified was disqualified, he also won his semi-final when everyone ahead of him wiped out. He won Australia’s first ever winter Olympics gold, he comes from Brisbane, not noted as a winter sport capital!
Please don’t start a war this week
It has just been announced that our entire fleet of 36 F-111 combat aircraft were grounded for 6 days because the wings were faulty. They have been checked and the planes are airworthy again, provided the pilots don’t do any tricky manoeuvres like climbing or diving etc as they need more work. So, everyone of a war-like disposition will have wait a while until we are ready.
PS The rumours that our ships will sink if there get wet are, as yet, unfounded
The inside story
It has come to light that travel agents have a little scheme going. Each month they randomly select a customer and make a change to their documentation or itinerary and see how long it takes the customer to find out. There is a system whereby points are awarded for how long it takes the customer to find out the mistake.
0 points if the mistake is found out before the customer leaves the shop.
2 points for the same day.
5 points before the trip starts
7 points while on the trip.
12 points (the maximum) if the customer changes his plans to fit the incorrect itinerary
2 bonus points are awarded if the customer does not complain.
The next time you are in a travel agents have a close look at the certificates on the wall, read the fine print of the “High Achievers” award.
Remember Juvenal
He was a Roman satirist who seemed to spend his life thinking up sayings that would last nearly two thousand years. He popped off in AD130. I think Air Canada used him as an advisor as they only allow 20 kilos of luggage on their flights. (I take more than this to work in my briefcase).
You will recall Juvenal famous saying “Cantabit vacuus coram latrone viator” which means “Travel light and you can sing in the robber’s face”. OK, not one of his best but I think it has the edge on Nikita Khrushchev’s classic. “If you cannot catch the bird of paradise, better take a wet hen”. Maybe it sounded better in Russian.
Must go as the plane is revving up
Not quite but it certainly feels that way. We are are just about packed, I have what seems like a large briefcase with my 5 weeks worth of possessions that must sustain me through summer in Hawaii, winter in Canada and I am not sure what in England. My Mum will be pleased as I have a plentiful supply of clean knickers in case I have a car accident or similar. You see you must have clean undies on in case anyone foreign sees them.
The airline check-in agent let it slip
You may recall in letter #1 I told you how Air Canada allows 20 kilos of luggage for each passenger, well….
I have a strong suspicion that there was a note on my airline booking. I think it said “Do not tell Barry the real weight limit for liggage – see if he can get to Europe and back with one suitcase”.
She gave a kind of gave the game away when she asked me where was the rest of my luggage. I had one case that weighed 18.5kgs. I siezed upon this lapse on her part and asked a few probing question. It appears, as we go thru the USA the limit is 2 suitcases. I think she said that they could have been 32kgs each – a total of 64kgs! I was in shock at this point just before I passed out.
The plane did take off.
Our boading gate was no. 63. This is at the extremity of the airport. In fact, it is quicker to go shopping at the supermarket in the adjoining suburb than some of the airport shops.
Most of the international flights from Sydney are Boeing 747 aeroplanes. At gate 62 was a Singapore Airlines Megatop. It is long and tall; when I looked over to gate 63 I thought our Airbus A340 had not arrived but I was wrong. It was hiding behind the wiggly passenger tunnel. I was worried for Judy, that the plane would not have enough fuel to get us to Honolulu. I was assured by the ground staff that they fill the plane’s petrol tank to the top – like you do at the petrol station, when petrol is cheap, by squeezing the trigger on the pump til you can see petrol in the filler pipe.
I think the air conditioning in the plane is set for Canadian comfort. It is about 10C below – I am sure I saw one lady with an electric fire.
I can float
Earlier last week, while we were still in Oahu (we are now on Maui – next door but two in terms of islands), we took a ride to Hanauma Bay to snorkel.
As a non-swimmer, I was in heaven as I could swim along and if I got into difficulties with sharks or water in the air-pipe, I could put my hands on the sea bed! It was about 1′ 6″ deep. Even though the water was this shallow there were so many brightly coloured fish.
Now on Maui we have hired snorkel gear for the week from a company call Boss Frog’s; we stopped at a bay noted for snorkelling. After persuading the attendant at the Westin hotel to loan me a life-jacket, I was away. After swimming about 20 yards from the beach we were in deep water – 20 feet. My life jacket was going its job a bit too well as it kept on popping me up out of the water – Judy said I was a human cork – better than a pair of concrete boots I say. The only time I was scared was when I saw a shark, out of the corner of my eye, which turned out to be the black pointer shaped life jacket strap!
and again….
We took a yacht trip to Molokai island, about and hours steaming from the southern coast of Maui. The water off the island, where we snorkelled was so clear with a blue tinge. The coral on the sea bed and the fish were fantastic.
I found out later that the water was 40 feet deep. This was a bargain as I had two rears for the price of one. The water being so deep and, me not much like an Olympic swimmer, I has a huge fear of the water plus 40 feet to the bottom, a serious fear of heights – 2 for the price of 1.
Americans at play
- On the bus the man next to me was trying to persuade the woman on his other side to renounce lipstick and jewellery as a part of a religious conversion. I know she was a complete stranger to him as she boarded the bus at my stop.
2. Perfect symmetry of Americans exiting a boat at Pearl Harbour – row by row with not one out of turn in the over 200 people.
Dear Readers – I failed
While waiting for the check-in gate to open at Honolulu airport – I fell asleep. A line formed and when I awoke and leapt to join the queue I was over 20 people from the front. There were too many Lumberjacks returning home to elbow out of the way for me to get to the front.
Who needs a map anyway?
Virgin trains, a British train company have printed a publicity map showing the towns in the county of Derbyshire mostly in the sea off the Welsh coast. Instead of their railway line going North to South it goes from East to West so Macclesfield and Buxton are shown in the sea. The company will reprint the map when current supplies run out.
Make 100% on your money!!!
Here’s how, just follow these steps. They worked for me.
Fly to Toronto, Canada via Hawaii. Option: Stay in Hawaii for 12 days en route
Drive 130kms north to a town called Orillia, stay the night, next day
Drive 5kms to the Indian (as in Cowboys and) Reserve called Rama and enter the Casino on the edge of the reservation. .
Determine how much you want to double – in my case it was 4 Canadian dollars which is 5 Aussie Dollars
Queue at the change window – get 4 x 1 dollar tokens.
Turn around and put 1 dollar in the nearest Slot (Poker/One Armed Bandit) machine-
This will pay out 5 x 1 dollar tokens
Queue up at the change window – when you are served the lady will say “That was quick”
Change your tokens – now 8 (original 4, -1 put in machine +5 paid back).
You walk away with 8 dollars and you started with 4 so your money has doubled.
At this point it is advised, as I did, to walk out of the Casino with a large smile on one’s face.
Easy?
Some observations and tips for the Canadian traveller.
1. A toonie is not something that you sing in your bathie. It is a Canadian two dollar coin.
2. It costs $25 Canadian to pay for a tow truck to come and open your car door when you lock your car keys inside your vehicle.
This is best done when the engine is running and the heater left on. As you, usually, don’t plan to lock your self out and you won’t have a coat on. The heater will be welcome as you will be frozen by the time you get back in the car. The tow truck diver will look at your car and say “Ah! A [insert car here] driven by an [Your country of origin]. eg A Pontiac driven by an Australian.
Hw will return to his truck and get a super strength heavy duty chrome plated coat hanger with a rubber handle. He will wiggle this down the side of your car door, grunting occasionally. At 37 secs from when he started he will stand back and say “There you are mate, Ha! Ha! $25 please. You pay the man shake hands and get into your car to thaw out.
I have first hand experience so I should know.
NB Freezing rain is optional.
3. You can tell you are in Canada when the local hardware supermarket has two rows of Hockey gear, one row of snow boots and one row of toboggans.
4. You are either:
a) A bit mad or
b) An Australian living on the coast or
c) Married to a champion surfer or
all of the above when
You see waves on the shore of Lake Ontario, it is snowing and you look for the flags and any surfers.
London town
I went to the Ideal Home show at Earls Court this morning, this is an annual show of all things to do with home and leisure. I last visited when I was taken by my Mum for an Easter treat over 40 years ago.
It was really good and I saw lots of interesting things including 4 fully furnished houses built in the exhibition hall.
Lunch was interesting as I had some wine, martini, curry, sausage and orange juice. You may wonder at my strange taste but these were the things on offer for a free tasting.
I happened upon a Triton work bench display – this is a carpenters bench that takes circular saws, routers etc and makes woodworking projects easier. It saves you sawing planks of wood on you knee etc.
I was quietly talking to a couple of chaps on the stand telling them I was from Sydney and that I owned one of these Australian invented and built benches. One of them turned to the people around the stand an announced how I would give them an unsolicited testimonial of how good their product was. I just had to mention how the last project made with the Triton was a set of bookshelves for the study. I told them how it was a combined effort between Judy and myself. I mentioned the way that the Triton gave us the precision required for the shelf joints. I then implored the crowd to help Australia and buy one without delay.
I expect a job offer from Triton any day.
My friend, Hans
We met at breakfast, he is from East Berlin. We have had some shared experiences. You may recall in the last series of newsletters, I told you how I paid £1 to go to the loo at Harrods. He did the same thing and could not believe that they had 3 staff in the loos. He told me that Berlin has some very rich people, as do Russia, possibly through the mafia.
A little known fact
Some of my subscribers are interested in surfing, I found out last night the origins of the sport. It originated in Scotland in the late 1860’s. If you look closely in the film about Queen Victoria with Judy Dench and Billy Connelly you will see in one scene with John Brown and his brother a surfer going past on the horizon. This is the oldest known sighting of a surfer.
A bit of shopping
I bought my tea this evening from Fortnum and Mason’s the grocers in Piccadilly. I did wonder if I would see the Queen pop in for some fish fingers for their tea, but I did not. She probably came in earlier in the day. They do have a royal crest on their produce as they are purveyors ( I thing that means “Suppliers” ) to the Royal family.
I bought the normal things one does for tea, a venison and blackcurrant pie, some Camembert cheese and some Fortnum’s water biscuits (with crest).
I went from here, across the road, to the Burlington arcade, I toyed with buying a Faberge gold and jewelled egg from Russia for Judy. I could not decide so thought I would carry on to Cartier’s in Bond street. I behaved myself in the arcade because, according to the plaque at the end of the arcade, it is private property and the Beadle will ask you to leave if you are unseemly. A Beadle is a kind of policeman in fancy dress.
Anyway by the time I made it to Cartier’s it was 5:35pm and they were closed. I am hoping a Mars bar will be OK instead, what do you think
And so back to Canada …
This newsletter comes to you by the courtesy of the Quebec main library. I have joined the library for one year – this entitles me to use the Internet terminal for 2 hours each week. I think I will use my allowance for this week all in one go, so here goes.
Onward…
I left you in London, I am now en-route to Quebec, we have just flown over some beautiful snow and ice on the fjords of southern Greenland. That is a silly name for the whitest country you have ever seen. Whoever named it had a great sense of humour.
The weather in England was really good . No rain and a couple of days, at least, with a clear blue sky. I did have an unplanned side trip to Warsaw to do some work for my old boss at Sodexho where I work on and off at present. Cedric moved from Sydney to Warsaw in November last year and was immediately pretty much snowed up till late in January. How much of a shock would that be?
You may remember from my Peruvian exploits I like to master the language of the country I visit. It seemed to me that I should do this on this visit also. With only 24 hours I settled on learning one word “Snieg” pronounced sneck. This is Polish for snow. It seemed appropriate given the temperature.
And a comment …
Whilst waiting in the line to have my passport checked I read this sign
” If you verbally or physically abuse customs officials you may be delayed or stopped from travelling. You will be charged under the law which could result in a term of imprisonment.”
You know you are in Canada when …
- The little tow trucks that move the baggage trailers around the tarmac at the airport have snow chains on them.
2. Your city has an ice-breaker for those times in the winter when the river freezes over.
3. The owners of businesses shovel the snow in front of their shops into the delivery van to move it.
4. Mountains of snow around the tarmac at the airport are moved with a front end loader and big trucks
And I thought the flight was going to be boring!
I sat next to a lady who was a tour manager for the UK company called Solo. They arrange holidays for single people. She related some of her experiences with her customers
The 62 year old lady who went to Rhodes for a week and had slept with 3 out of the 6 men on the tour by day 4. She then proceeded to describe her experiences to the other ladies on the trip.
The 50+ year old man who held up dinner on the first night for an hour, sat down, phoned his mother at the dinner table before ordering and said in a loud voice for everyone to hear,
a) The women on the tour were great.
b) The tour manager was a bit off.
He was then grabbed by his labels by the man sitting opposite and told to keep his voice down. He had to be moved and he had, at this point , effectively been on the tour 5 minutes.
He was threatened later the same evening by the husband of a guest in the hotel as he was dancing with this man’s wife and he grabbed her bottom and breast.
His stated intention in taking this holiday was to sleep with the women on the tour as he was a self confessed 52 year old virgin.
At the end of the holiday, which he survived, he refused to leave the aeroplane until a flight attendant that he liked gave him her telephone number
It was better that the movie!
Large Beer, please with hand signals
My hotel in Old Quebec was a few steps from The Chateau Frontinac, an imposing building overlooking the St Lawrence river, now a 5 star hotel. As they have a bar with a superb view up the river, it seemed the place for a beer.
I was not intimidated by the grander and sat myself down at a spot with a view. I did look a bit back-packerish among the jewels but I stood my ground.
When I asked the waiter for a beer he responded with those world wide gestures of placing the hands 18″ apart, parallel. A bit like a fisherman’s “the one that got away” bot moved through 90 degrees.
My children are always pulling my leg about the time I ordered a large beer – with hand signals. Well, children, it happens in the best hotel in Quebec, so I am not alone
Look before you tread.
This is the Hunt version of a very old saying.
It has saved me, twice. Here is an account of the first time.
I am now at Banff in Alberta. A couple of days ago I drove up to Lake Louise which, given the season, was frozen solid (ish)
I thought it would be enjoyable to walk over the lake to the other end. There was a tramped path in the snow. I had been told that horse and sleighs had driven over the snow so I would be as safe as a safe person.
I had been walking about 10 mins and was about one third of the way across whin I happened upon a frozen tripod for the camera in the form of a snowman. He obligingly had a flat head.
I must have been three quarters of the way over the lake when I noticed a foot print in the snow, by the side of the track, that went all the way down to the water below. This should have sent alarm bells ringing loudly. Sadly they just tinkled lamely in the distance. Another 10 paces on and my left foot went through the ice. A left foot in a freezing lake focuses the mind, trust me, I know. Unlike the comic books I did not exclaim Errrrg! or Arrrh! I stood silently stock still sizing several systematic sets of options.
Uppermost was the TV program I watched the previous evening on the Discovery channel. on what to do if you fall through the ice while skiing. The first thing is to stay still and calm, wait 3 minutes for your body to adjust to the cold. Then try to get out.
I decided to adopt a slightly different approach. I hauled my foot out fast and ran back like a bat out of a hot place.
Yesterday I stuck to calmer, if nosier pursuits. I went Dog Sledding.
I helped drive the team of 5 Huskies (Who am I kidding, they went exactly where they wanted to.)
Huskies are not like humans. They yelp and carry on like demented parrots when they are not pulling a sled.
It is the only time they don’t make a noise. They consume 30,000 calories a day pulling sleds. I can believe it.
I held the harness while the handler coupled up the dogs. With only one person in the sled I could not budge it yet 5 dogs pulled 2 people up hill. I did not quite master the calls, the main one being, “Come on, good dogs, there you go.” in a somewhat musical and rising voice. When I tried it they all stopped howling and looked around in fright.
I stuck to the odd Mush! Mush!
And so home…
I fly back to Sydney today (with the help of a Boeing 747).